Embracing the process of aging from Cherie

Five years ago, my mother passed away after a good, long life – just two months shy of her 95th birthday. Surrounded by dear friends and family, I gave a eulogy at her graveside service. After the eulogy was over, the Rabbi looked at me and said, “you are now the matriarch of the family.” Although I knew these words were supposed to be an honor, they felt more like a curse. It was difficult to accept my place as the elder in the family because I saw it as the beginning of the end.  A sinking feeling came over me. To me, growing old meant inevitable physical and cognitive decline, additional losses, and potentially serious illnesses. At the time, I felt the Rabbi’s words meant that the best years of my life were behind me.

But as I took the assignment of this dreaded role, I noticed that I was actually feeling more capable and competent than ever. I was in great physical shape, I believed I had important wisdom to share and felt an empowering freedom to share what was on my mind without worrying as much about what others thought of me. I stopped sweating the small stuff and my perspective on life began to shift.

My new role models for growing older also began to reshape my views. My older friends and acquaintances were not just surviving, but thriving! They were writing, becoming artists, taking classes, learning how to play an instrument, getting involved in politics, helping to raise grandkids, hiking the national parks, or still actively engaged in their careers.  It seemed like the common thread in their stories was finding purpose and meaning in life, staying socially connected, and having a positive attitude towards getting older.

I learned that these factors aren’t just helpful – they’re essential. There is new research that shows our attitude towards aging can directly impact both physical and cognitive health. A study conducted by Yale University analyzed multiple data sources over 10 years. It showed that individuals over 65 with positive mindsets improved physically, cognitively, or both.

I distinctly remember my mom saying, “There’s too many old people here!” shortly after moving to assisted living in her early 90’s. Despite chronic pain and limited mobility, she didn’t see herself as old – and this view helped her live a long, fruitful life. Rather than seeing it as a curse, I am now accepting the honor of being the matriarch and taking my seat at the head of the table. Despite knowing that there will likely be losses and challenges to face along the way, I can embrace the aging process with less fear and more hope and optimism.