Finding Myself Again from Amy
The day of my son’s fourth birthday started like every other day. At 7 AM on the dot, his sound machine went from nighttime to morning settings, and I could hear the sounds of birds chirping along with the “MAMA!” scream that awoke me from a peaceful slumber. But the day itself was different. That day not only marked four years of my child’s life, but four years of being a mother. Four years of a self that I never knew before, and a self that I am still getting to know, balance, and embrace.
Before March 2022, the way I saw myself was multifaceted and layered. I was a white millennial Jewishish city-dwelling woman and (a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, and a friend ). I had my professional identity, my hobbies and interests which included exercise, reading, and avid Philadelphia Eagles fandom. And I had my inherent personality traits (compassionate, energetic, quirky, ambitious, impulsive, a little scatterbrained . . .the list goes on). All these things made me, well, me.
But once my son was born, those elements went out the window and I defined myself solely as a mother. Instead of measuring time by work and by leisure, it was now measured by wake windows, time since his last feeding, consecutive hours of sleep (for both of us), and time since his last diaper change. My other roles and identities simply didn’t take priority as the “mom” part completely took over. To say it completely rocked my entire world is an understatement, and I felt like I lost myself in the process.
With time, hard conversations, therapy, and other life changes, I began to rediscover the parts of myself that I had missed, as well as shift some parts that no longer made sense in their previous form. I returned to clinical work and joined The Brandywine Center Collective. The “therapist” part of me re-emerged, and it was refreshing to begin doing the work I do now. I prioritized exercise again, which helped me feel more like “myself” and did wonders for my mental health. My roles as wife, daughter, sister, and friend shifted. I am still these things, but the “mom” part is now an integral part of who I am. As I integrated this “mom” part of myself, rather than having it completely overrun my entire psyche, something else happened – I made space for other parts that weren’t there before I became a mom. What I thought was “quirkiness” became glaringly apparent neurodivergence once I had to step outside of my own life and manage someone else’s, and I’m learning to use this to my advantage rather than letting it hinder me. I let go of the idea that I had to be “good” at something to enjoy it and have allowed a creative side of me to emerge – finding comfort and expansion in painting and artistic journaling. I allowed “mom” to be an essential identity – but not all of me. I love being a mother. It’s difficult to remember the person I was before, and sometimes I really miss her. But I’m proud of the person I am now and the person I’m still learning to be.
PS. As for the feral Eagles fan part, well, becoming a mom enabled that even more – with E-A-G-L-E-S being one of the first words my son learned how to spell.